I’ve put off writing long enough. I’ve just gotta do it. So for the past few months I’ve been pretty stubborn. I have to admit, at the beginning it was nice to be like “watch me do it my way”, but now that I’m 1 1/2 yrs into it, it’s not so nice anymore. I actually feel like I’m the size of an ant. I’ve been teetering between when I’m going to start serving God again & using the gifts He’s given me. Let me just go ahead & tell you that if you are a child of God, this is NOT a good thing to do.
Tonight I went to a concert at my grandma’s church. I’ve known the group for about 5 or so years. We’re close friends. I don’t get to see them much since they live in TN & travel a lot & don’t make it down here often, but I try to see them when they come around. Anyways, tonight was exactly what the doctor prescribed, so to speak. As I sat & watched them performed my heart filled w/ joy. I sang the songs I knew & the joy grew even more. That’s where my heart is. My heart is in God. My heart is in music. I haven’t sung in a choir or done interpretive movement in 2 yrs. That’s not me at all. I’m the type to be in a choir or interpretive movement group praising the Lord w/ the gifts He’s given me.
When I backed off 2 yrs ago, it was to regroup & stop doing so much because I was wearing myself thin. I’ve backed off for too long. I’m ready to have the joy of serving God back. I want the joy of my salvation back. I want to minister to others again. I want to praise God w/ my voice & hands again. I want to give people the joy that I feel doing it. I want to touch lives again. I can’t believe I’ve let myself get to the point I’m at now. I’m just thankful that God put this concert in my path & that I was able to attend. I got a piece of that joy back. I was reminded of the joy that I was missing by not being a choir or interpretive movement group.
My plan? I’m going to talk to the pastor of the church where I’m going now about joining the church & I’m going to do it. I’m not going to sit back anymore & allow Satan to put fear in my heart & mind about why I’m not joining a church or singing in a choir. I’m not going to allow Satan to clip my wings anymore & steal my joy. I’m not going to allow him to steal God’s praise that He’s so worthy of. I’m not going to allow him to steal the joy from others by me not spreading the Gospel through song. I’m fed up & I’ve had just about enough of doing this to myself. I’ve had enough of being complacent. I’ve had enough of just sitting back waiting. It’s time for me to go into action, but first I’m going to talk to God about it. He’s the One w/ my answers. I’ve gotta get back to Him. I’ve gotta get back to the joy that only He can provide. I’m ready for the joy & happiness to come back. It’s been 2 yrs too long.
Thank you so much, Eternal Vision, for your service & touching lives. I’m a life that’s been changed.
www.eternalvision.net (check ‘em out)
Last week was an extremely rough week for me. The week before I messed my knee up (flare up from a car accident 6 yrs that I have to deal w/ every now & then) while practicing songs so I could teach music in VBS last week. That certainly didn’t help my feelings, but definitely wasn’t going to stop my teaching. I was going to work through it & I did. Little did I know, after I had already planned things, the director was going to be just shy of a tyrant & change everything & want everything to be her way or no way & sit on top of me the entire time. (Keep in mind that she knows I’ve been doing music for VBS for the past 4 years, give or take a few years. I think I know what I’m doing.)
If dealing w/ her wasn’t enough, I had to deal w/ an immature teenager who hijacked my phone one night during VBS. When I noticed, he said he was texting the pastor. No problem, since I’ve been friends w/ him practically my whole life. I finally get my phone back & he had texted 5 other people. Four people saying, “Ur really sexy when u free?” First of all, I’ve never sent a message like that to someone & highly doubt I ever will. Second of all, 2 of them were girls, one was my cousin, & one was a guy who has a crush on me, but I’m not interested in other than as a friend. Could have caused problems. Thankfully, it didn’t.
The worst message of all was one he sent my dad, which said, “Um. I don’t love you anymore.” I could have died right then. That is the WORST thing you could send someone, but for me it’s the worst thing that could be sent to my dad, especially after he sent me a letter I’d been waiting almost 10 years for in my birthday card. It was a great letter & he didn’t talk about the past. (Best birthday present I’d gotten in 10 years.) He sounded happy & upbeat. I thought it was going to be the beginning of us working on our relationship. Little did I know only a few days later it would all go to crap.
I called & texted to let him know I didn’t send it & he said that I couldn’t help it when someone texts my feelings to someone else. Basically, it all went downhill from there. He called me at least 5 times after that to bring up the past. He went as far as to ask me why I felt I needed to apologize when I didn’t feel the need to apologize 18 mos ago when I went to be w/ my sister for the birth of her son (she requested I be in the room w/ her) & they weren’t there. 1) It’s not my decision. 2) It wasn’t my place to call them to be there. 3) My sister didn’t want them there & I was leaving everything in her hands.
Long story short, he called me back & basically told me that I broke up our family & that he didn’t want to talk to me until I started living by God’s laws & not man’s laws, because right now I’m living by man’s laws (in his opinion). He says that because he said that according to God’s law, I should have called him & my mom & had them come to the hospital, but I followed man’s law, which says it’s the mother choice.
I spent the entire week crying every night & on edge w/ everyone. I had my guard up every time I was around any adult. Thank God for the children at VBS every night. I don’t know what I would have done if they hadn’t been around to take my mind off of crap for a little while. I’m still struggling this week, but this is only something time will heal. At least I hope it will. Bad thing, I don’t really have anyone here that I can vent to, so I’m keeping 85% of everything inside. Maybe I should write more often? Maybe I should share w/ more people? Maybe I should…..? I don’t know what I should do. I just know that right now my heart hurts. My soul hurts. My body hurts. I’m tired of fighting & just want a family & friends I can count on & turn to when I have issues like this. Feeling alone really sucks.
I have seen a lot about attempted suicides, people wanting to cut, people wanting to hurt themselves, & people just wanting to escape life so much lately, that I felt like writing about it.
There seems to be so much negativity in our lives nowadays. In the news, on social networks, at school, & occasionally (sadly, more times than not) at home. It’s sad really. More than that, it’s heartbreaking. It seems that if people disagree w/ things other people say or do, they have to tear them down or worse case scenario, tear them to pieces verbally. I find this to be very disturbing. Being on the receiving end of some negative things in my life, it breaks my heart to see that others have to live that. It’s ok for us to disagree w/ others. It’s ok for us to like different things. It’s ok for us to believe different things, too. If we all liked the same things, life would be pretty boring. Where would the diversity be? Diversity is a good thing, but has been turned into a bad thing by so many.
If you are on the receiving end of some mean things or mean words, I have a few things to say to you:
1. Regardless of what anyone says to you including things you may tell yourself(you’re ugly, you’re worthless, it’d be better if you were dead, etc.), they’re lies. You ARE beautiful whether it be on the inside or out. One way or another or both youARE beautiful. Worthless? There’s not much that’s worthless. Actually, I can’t think of anything that’s worthless. Honestly. I mean, if an old tire can be recycled & turned into something else, then you can be used for & do something great, too. Life would not be better if you were dead. You were born for a reason & until that reason is fulfilled, you need to be alive.
2. When people say those things about you, it’s either a) they feel that way about themselves, b) they aren’t happy, or c) both & they need a major reality check. In all of those cases, I honestly have to say, grow up or if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.
3. Hang in there. It’s tough, I know, bc I’ve been there. It will take everything in you to find the strength it takes to make it through, but you have that strength. Don’t fight it. Don’t hold back. Reach out to someone. Get the support that you need. You’re not weak by asking for support. Quite the contrary. You are strong for asking for support & help. It takes a stronger person to say that they need help & are struggling w/ something. Lean on people you can trust. The ones you know w/o a shadow of a doubt love you for you.
4. Most of all remember that you are loved. Someone somewhere truly loves you. They may not say it all the time, but I can promise you that someone does love you. This goes back to the reaching out in #3. The people who truly love you & your real friends are going to be the ones standing by your side supporting you & walking through this w/ you.
I’m not promising a rose garden, but I can promise you that this tunnel you’re in doesn’t last forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Life isn’t easy & never will be. You will have struggles, but it’s worth it. The light at the end of the tunnel is closer than you think & closer if you have someone to walk w/ you. I know, because like I said before, I’ve been there. I struggle almost daily with wanting to cut, but I think about my niece & nephew, my grandma, my sister, a little girl who’s like my sister, & realize that sticking around for the rest of my life w/ them is worth a lot more than the pain I would cause them if I left because of a choice I made. I realize that they love me. That doesn’t take the want to cut or the pain away, but it helps me to not hurt myself. Better days are ahead. You just have to have the strength to get there. You have to have the strength to take the first step & ask someone to take that walk w/ you. You’ll be surprised at how many & who will be honored & willing to take that walk w/ you. I can almost guarantee you that it will be more than you think. It’s a lot easier to have someone to lean on & have someone walk by your side, than it is to go at it alone.
I hope that one day more people will choose to love & will choose to use kind words than ugly words. Ugly words aren’t pretty on anyone & they certainly don’t reflect beauty in the person they are coming from. One day, beauty will win over ugly. It has that much power.
I’m not really sure where to start. The last thing I wanted to do was start a blog w/ a negative post, but I’ve had a few people tell me I should blog & they’d read it, so here goes. After all, we all have our negative moments, right, but I promise to do my best to not make all of these negative.
I started watching Monster In-Laws last Monday because Laura Baron is one of the experts this season. (Side note: I should probably say that she’s one of the reasons I’m even brave enough to a) write, b) feel when I don’t feel like feeling, & c) to put this out there in the open for the world to read. Love her!) Moving on. The title of the show says it all. Her first 2 episodes have really hit home for me. Granted, I’m not married, but I saw a lot of my dad in both episodes.
My relationship w/ my dad is…..strained…almost non-existent. I’m not really sure how else to explain it. The last conversation we had was over the phone almost 2 years ago when he yelled at me & hung up on me when I told him that I wouldn’t talk to him until he could talk to me like I was an adult w/o yelling & with as much respect I was giving him. (I said all of that in a calm tone. I never once raised my voice.)
I feel the need to throw in a little back-story. I’m going to try to make it quick. My dad wasn’t the best dad in the world. For about 10 years of my life (7-17), I felt like I was his punching bag…emotionally & occasionally physically. My sister & I were blamed for everything that went wrong in his life & for everything that went wrong w/ the family. My self-esteem was already low & hearing bad things about me at school & at home certainly didn’t help anything. Hence, the reason I still have a low self-esteem & have a tendency to put myself down whenever I screw up. I remember MAYBE a handful of fun, happy times w/ my dad from my whole life (almost 27 years). There’s something wrong w/ that.
Back to my story. So we haven’t spoken since the day he hung up on me. He has tried to take my mom out of my life & it’s to the point that the only time I get to talk to her is when she’s at work either on Yahoo or for a brief moment on her cell when she has a minute. (I find something wrong w/ that, too.) I send him very generic Father’s Day cards. (How do you send someone a sappy “You’re the greatest dad & I want to be just like you” card when you don’t want to be anything like them & they haven’t been the greatest?) This year I sent him a birthday card bc it happened to fall on Mother’s Day & knew it would be hell if my mom got a card & he didn’t. Also, bc it’s the right thing to do. I got a short letter back thanking me for the card. Did he sign it “Dad”? No. He signed his name like I was some acquaintance or something.
Back to how MIL reminds me of this. Both in-laws on Laura’s 2 episodes of MIL are like my dad. They don’t want to accept responsibility for their actions & how they are hurting others. My heart breaks bc I have done everything I can to try to get my dad back. There is a little girl inside of me who wants so bad to have her dad in her life. One day, God willing, when I’m ready to walk down the aisle, I want my dad to walk w/ me. Not some guy who’s like a dad to me, although, I have that option if it comes to that. I want to be able to share things in my life w/ my dad. I want him to be happy for me. I want to be able to see him AND my mom when I go to FL to visit & not just my mom & sister or just my sister. I want our family back together. My sister has 2 children. One of which my dad has never met bc of everything that has happened.
I wish there was a way to fix everything. I wish there was a way for us to become a family. I wish there was a way for me to make him realize that regardless of what his brain is telling him, I DO want him in my life & I DO miss him & I DO want to see him. I wish there was a way for me to make my sister see everything that’s going on. I think that sometimes people get so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t see what their actions are doing to others.
I have been abused (for lack of a better word) in pretty much every way possible causing me to have a hard time trusting people, especially men, so for me to sit down & put this out there, which isn’t a lot of stuff, but it’s enough, is a big step for me. I have a big heart & hate to see people hurting. I just wish there was some way to help my family. To help my dad. To help my sister. To help all of us.
This isn’t what I started out to write, but this is what came out. I know there’s more in there & I’m sure I’ll get it out…some day…one day.